Just outside of San Diego, California:
Him: I'm going to call my dad. (Turns on Bluetooth.) CALL FRANK ADDICKS.
Voice of I-phone: Calling Frank A Dick.
Somewhere in the middle of Utah, listening to a long narrative country song on the only station that got reception:
Him: I don't get it. Did they abort the baby?
Me: I'm not sure...It sounds like it could have been a miscarriage.
(Silence. Both listening closely to the chorus.)
Him: Nope. Definitely abortion.
On the golf course in Grand Junction, Colorado:
Me: I don't think I can get it on the green from here.
Aunt MJ: Sure you can. Remember the power of positive thinking.
(I actually make contact with the ball, and it actually goes onto the green.)
Aunt MJ: See? If positive thinking can do that for your golf game, just think what it can do for the rest of your life.
Just west of Colby, Kansas:
Me: Look, honey! That sign says that this farm has a five-legged steer! And the world's largest prairie dog!
45 minutes west of Salina, Kansas:
A billboard advertisement reads: "Come to 'Yarns': The Second Friendliest Yarn Store in the Universe!"
Various other billboards in Kansas:
"Jesus Saves. Pornography Destroys."
"Jesus is Lord."
"Jesus is God."
"Come to know Jesus."
"Jesus is love."
Giant depiction of Jesus with wheat as his staff.
Giant depiction of Jesus on the cross.
Giant depiction of Jesus bathed in light.
"Adoption not abortion." (very popular -- we saw too many to count)
"People who live in sin propagate sin. There is no 'gay marriage'."
Him: Kansas sucks.
Coming off of an exit ramp in Topeka, Kansas:
(Fireworks sound. The dog hurdles herself into the front seat and dives under the steering wheel, alternating jamming on the brake and the gas. I can't get to either pedal.)
Me: Oh my God! We're going to die!
(We don't die. I find the brake and we coast into a Burger King parking lot before we get to the upcoming intersection.)
10 miles from Chatham, New Jersey (final destination, for now):
Him: Moving back by your relatives is probably a lot like going to prison in the sense that the old prison adage probably applies: "Kick someone's ass on the first day, or become someone's bitch."
In Chatham, New Jersey:
We are currently living with my mom, my dad, my sister, her husband, 4 dogs, and 3 cats. Apartment-hunting is top priority.